英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

xm2001-2

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
- v, c. |! v  _; Jbike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
9 Z/ F* c2 w$ S0 q; K& b  E; }( L+ P辆然后求上帝宽恕。
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) ?" q5 [- B+ O$ R( K2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
  b9 r9 `( C4 [0 A我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
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0 o2 x4 B& e( m% _3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
* j9 B. N0 f9 K1 b, q2 @. zwith experience.
3 f7 ^6 h( S6 v4 E+ g1 E你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你


4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

$ k& B9 e% F# j" K意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
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意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...

b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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! M2 t3 u$ J- u, l3 ?( M! u" l5 P6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

7 e& V5 f& v5 t5 d! u- }a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

8 l; y) q7 U: C8 m+ }. F7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
4 y, j3 m+ w. h: P  _* @+ K在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

" L9 |& Z; e$ Z9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
) d; M9 w" |$ P1 r1 @+ E有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
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10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
$ y) Z- O& ^' a* W: |% a1 B政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
; u" Y, T* s' t了！！
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11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
$ {% n& y0 G+ X战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
.
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！

  ]& S. ?! m. T7 k) }' ]2 @b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
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) A- s" L! A% C' ^2 F0 ^! ?6 D14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！

15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
! T! l7 @. F9 h4 \2 `) `. {il you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...


1 u& m3 }: S$ {16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
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  F- o- O) x: S5 e+ V. G" L17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
, J8 C: }# J& @$ Y& y5 P! L9 s你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~
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19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
, _2 f8 j1 ~# U+ L0 \! hXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
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( W2 Q- c$ ]1 U2 t2 c: z20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
6 Z& m: s5 V- i. G! `: ~8 `7 ~. Btell you why it isn't.
& j. R6 I- ]) [晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。
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( V$ q8 Z" N  J! k2 Z+ H21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
( n8 N+ [/ Y+ b. i( ^意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
3 m5 }9 [0 a6 V2 l如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
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8 O4 x  U6 J- i: _# w' m23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
/ O9 T  V) N" z/ puit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
2 I3 n' P6 D. V% {2 g9 `/ ]篮子。
意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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4 m5 L' z) d# w4 j$ |3 x# `24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
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25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
" O8 f' Q9 F4 t# \same night.
( o8 i4 c. G7 {; P7 ]无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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) }, Y) \7 G; ^! k' ]26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
2 R& a( S* q1 M# t) ?. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

0 i0 p5 i  C* W7 Z" P/ V28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。

5 i: J! E! C" Z7 K5 i/ u29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
ity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
6 H9 p! p1 }) Q/ L1 Fm fish?
2 Q( p. i  S8 k- i* [2 X; J海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。

) J7 r: e% `9 t' Y, U, G0 t; n# K0 ?# U30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
g.
a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
# Y3 p  z. {, ^0 L0 I" Rb. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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* Y5 G# K  u2 E31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
" i" u' z+ Y1 d' |瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”

32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
& Z/ q" [. G/ m1 K- vand talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
up.
$ S& P) W& k- I% |& B# m3 M6 b$ t孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
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+ r$ J& Z0 ^* T1 o$ {33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
" O$ Z0 b! ^/ K7 Z/ Y, J$ Gt check when you say the paint is wet?
; ~, m8 d% l, X0 j# W% f为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？

6 F7 A, I/ D  Z+ v1 S34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
) U. r2 y/ u7 r6 a% S9 ^# D8 E7 il doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
. X9 z9 q  l* i* I9 Qb. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
" i% j$ @* ^4 A7 t8 |d. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
2 ]+ ]3 z$ i! Z) ^( p9 zt need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方
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+ M2 o) N8 R7 Z8 c& i) N. M36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
+ z4 p$ F; A. a9 l& Ta.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。

& n( q- V8 B3 a0 Ab. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
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37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
+ |# \4 q  W! |3 E% ^意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫
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  r1 _$ A8 b8 R; ]38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
+ E& `# h0 l0 H8 Dc. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
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40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
! ~, G4 U9 L% D% Y7 h临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~

9 P: C8 C; ^4 `0 ^$ u% p41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
5 }: d7 r% O% Y! |; E; Y$ x) r如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。

5 L7 I) [. Y- [- v3 [6 e42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
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1 ^  v* f6 T* e43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
& E' B, W& Y  i& V' }8 W0 ^rls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！

44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
ch.
& Z% _1 j8 k) |5 c剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。
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1 e3 o7 }% M; Z8 O45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
9 f' V# B- i! K; ^/ ?9 j有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.
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3 s/ x/ P" ^; R2 a6 n46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
8 x# n+ C: K& c+ L6 p; r9 cgreat white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
( J" E" N* m, G: d: O叫声是一样滴。
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47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
3 t3 A5 I9 ]9 @! Z- v意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。

7 y) M* N0 O8 {" {: x* G2 }48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！
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/ y  u  U; l- _2 b$ O49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
  o6 `" r& G% U9 ^  `7 R5 T9 iy, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
) x8 L% @5 P+ W6 d7 x3 W7 r当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
* ?+ D) @' k/ ^" J# z么忙？！
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+ z4 m; ]& `: i; i) E. t" w. U5 L0 h) q50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
/ G, `: _' W. o1 P( ], X* P: e4 V上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！

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<43>

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